Why do we end up seeking validation from toxic people? How do we get out of this behaviour?

One of the many ways a toxic manipulator keeps us hooked is through the occasional attention and kindness they shower on us. We continue to our association hoping for the next sprinkling of attention and validation, harming our own mental well being in the process.

The Healing Space

6/2/20252 min read

A professional consultation setting with a medical professional sitting at a desk facing a client. The room has a modern aesthetic with white walls decorated with framed certificates. The desk is organized with office supplies, a laptop, and a fruit bowl in the center.
A professional consultation setting with a medical professional sitting at a desk facing a client. The room has a modern aesthetic with white walls decorated with framed certificates. The desk is organized with office supplies, a laptop, and a fruit bowl in the center.

Toxic people often keep us hooked through sudden and unexpected shows of attention and kindness in the middle of the abuse and indifference they shower on us. Irrespective of whether it is intentional or not, this plays havoc with our peace and sanity. We continue to interact with our manipulator because when the sprinkling of attention and kindness comes, it feels like heaven. Soon however this kindness ebbs away, leaving us feeling broken, low and full of selfdoubt.

Here’s a breakdown of why this happens and how we can break this cycle:

Why We Put Our Happiness at Stake for a Toxic Person’s Attention

  1. Validation Addiction
    When someone toxic gives us attention or praise, even in small doses, it can feel like a drug. If we're emotionally vulnerable or with low self esteem, their approval feels incredibly powerful. We chase that high, even if it comes with pain.

  2. Intermittent Reinforcement
    Like gambling, toxic relationships often operate on unpredictable rewards. One day they’re kind, the next they’re cruel. This randomness wires our brains to crave the next good moment, keeping us hooked.

  3. Hope for Change
    We often cling to the belief that “maybe they’ll finally see my worth,” or “maybe they’ll change.” That hope becomes an emotional investment, making it hard to walk away.

  4. Self-Esteem Wounds
    If someone toxic confirms the doubts we already have about ourselves (“I’m not enough,” “I’m too much,” “I’m unlovable”), we internalize their behavior as proof, even though it’s not.

  5. Emotional History
    Sometimes we recreate toxic dynamics from our past, especially childhood, as a subconscious attempt to “fix” them.

How to get out of this toxic validation loop

  1. Name It Clearly
    Stop sugarcoating. Call the behavior what it is: manipulation, neglect, gaslighting, etc. With clarity comes power.

  2. Reclaim Your Worth
    Build a foundation of self-worth that doesn’t depend on anyone else’s approval. This may involve therapy, journaling, affirmations, or surrounding yourself with people who genuinely value you.

  3. Create Emotional Distance
    Even if you can’t go no-contact right away, start emotionally detaching. Observe their behavior instead of absorbing it. Think like a scientist: “That’s interesting, they’re being cold again,” instead of “What did I do wrong?”

  4. Recognize the Pattern
    When you see that this is a pattern and not a one-time fluke, you’ll feel less 'special' in the dynamic and more motivated to protect yourself.

  5. Replace the Source of Validation
    Shift focus toward people and activities that nourish you. Invest energy in hobbies, goals, and relationships that give back instead of drain.

  6. Set Boundaries (and enforce them)
    Boundaries are not meant to change the other person. They’re there to protect you. Decide what behavior you won’t tolerate, and stick to it.

  7. Forgive Yourself
    Too often we cling on to a toxic person because we have invested emotionally in them for many years. But in order to protect yourself, this is exactly where you need to take action. Let go of the guilt for staying too long, for believing them, for loving them. Healing begins with self-compassion, not self-blame.

Final Thought

Sometimes we stay because we’re trying to heal a wound through someone else’s behavior. But the healing doesn’t come when they change. It comes when you decide you’re done suffering. You don’t need their validation to be whole. You already are.